(Not) Skinny Love

 

Guys, I’ve come to the realisation that I am not skinny. I’ve also come to the realisation that I am not fat.

I am a wonderfully average, and healthy, body weight and shape. At a size 10/12  I have quite a lovely hour glass figure so maybe not “average.”

As someone who has struggled with an eating disorder and still occasionally struggles this realisation is a BIG deal. Today I tried on a dress in a shop and it was a little too tight, where usually my brain would tell me that “I NEED to lose weight”, today it just went. “The dress is just too small, and that’s ok.”

My issue with food was two fold, first it is rooted in my control issues and second in my low self-esteem. I’m trying to work on both of these things.

But there is a reason I’m writing about my self-acceptance and it is this, I am getting married in 6 weeks and 1 day. On that day a lot of people are going to notice what I’m wearing, a lot of people are going to comment on it, and a few people might even take photo’s of me. I will then look back on these photo’s for the rest of my life.

This is a big deal (though please note not as big a deal as actually becoming a wife and saying vows in front of God, family, friends and randomers.)

There is a lot of pressure on brides to look perfect on their “big day.” To spend a small fortune on hair, make-up, nails and the biggest expensive the dress. It can cost £1000’s all because of this expectation that you want to be a princess and look glamorous (and not necessarily like yourself.) I’ve chosen not to spend the £1000’s. I’m doing my own make-up and nails, might get some help with the hair and my dress was under £400(still crazy expensive if you ask me)

I decided I didn’t want to give into that pressure. Partly because it’s cost effective. But far more importantly I want to look at my wedding photos and not hate myself. My dress fits me, I don’t fit my dress. I chose it because it flatters my great figure and because there is room enough to overload on food on the day without being uncomfortable. Food is good. I don’t want to look back and wish that I was as skinny as I was on that day. I want to just be me.

 

And me has curves. ALL the curves.

 

So I made this decision to not give into the pressure, to not go on a wedding diet or get a smaller dress to try and slim into.

I was doing pretty good as well.

 

Then the thoughts started creeping in…. You could get the dress altered if you did lose weight…. There are going to be lots of photos…. You want to look your best and skinny is best…. Brides are supposed to be thin…. and so on.

Oh and the comments you get “You’ll look really lovely once you’ve lost that little bit of weight”… “have you got much more to go until you fit into your dress”… “your not ordering a burger are you? But what about your wedding day?”…

I want to look my best, I really do (and I am going to), but I also know my best isn’t being a skeleton, it isn’t being so thin that I look unwell, I wasn’t made to be a stick and I’m not going to conform to that.

But that didn’t stop me having to force myself to eat the other day because I was suddenly worried I would be too fat to be a bride. Like what the actual?! Being a bride with disordered eating is tough, especially when society encourages disordered eating….

 

So I have moments of struggling with that unsaid pressure to conform. And it really effing pisses me off.

I WAS MADE TO HAVE CURVES. BUT FAR MORE IMPORTANTLY MARRIAGE ISN’T ABOUT BEING THIN ON YOUR WEDDING DAY.

In 6 weeks I get to say some vows, I get to make a covenant with my best friend and the man I love, the man who loves me, curves and all. We will pledge our lives to each other, to promise to honor, love, cherish, to be there for each other in sickness and health, for better or worse. Marriage is a really big deal and I’m frustrated that right now my brain, and society are making it about how I’m going to look. Especially because I am so much more than how I look.

 

 

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