My heart

It’s been a while.

My bad.

In the last few weeks I have been challenged by a lot of people to believe in myself, that I am far more capable then I give myself credit for, that I shouldn’t be afraid to take risks and ask people to notice me and what I can do. I should engage in a little self promotion.

This terrifies me. Like I get super anxious and the thought because what if they do notice me and I cock it all up. Or what I have to say isn’t worth saying. HOW DO PEOPLE LIVE LIKE THIS!

I have an incredible friend who recently became self-employed and is a writer/blogger. And she is simply fabulous, she writes the most amazing things and isn’t ashamed to say this is what I wrote and you should read it because I am great (which they should because she is great and should in no way be ashamed to tell the world) FYI this is her blog.

I happen to have a boyfriend who is a journalist, and a best friend, and well a lot of people in my life write deep and profound articles and blogs and are super talented and I am in awe of them, and these wonderful people have no problem saying, “hey I wrote this read it.”

In the non-writing world I have a lot of friends who are simply changing the world or doing wonderful things, from changing their lifestyle, working hard to be healthier, to challenge society around huge issues, to sharing their faith in an accessible way, starting charities and taking on giants. None of these people seem to be worried about someone noticing them, to be worried and anxious about making a pigs ear of it all. They are wonderfully and honestly vulnerable.

I get I’m honest on here and some would say I make myself vulnerable, and that’s a huge step but I can’t get much further then sharing a kick tweet saying “read if you want.”

How do people believe in themselves so much that they just say “I am good at this!” “I have something to say and you should take notice.”

Anyway my point is I’m not good at that. I don’t take compliments well. Recently my team and I had to feed back to our funders about all the work we do, and we do A LOT of work. They were so positive and encouraging of us and even said we “exceed expectations.” Everyone was really nice to me and said what a great job I did and blah blah blah, and I just shrugged it off with the old “well done team” line, then tried to change the subject.

I am speaking for the South East Barnado’s team on Monday on behalf of SelfharmUK, they came to the training I did in Horsham and asked me to talk there. I can’t for the life of me understand why. I was almost ashamed to mention it to my Team Leader/ Supreme Overlord. I hate reading the feedback from when I deliver training even though most of it’s pretty good.

The idea of wanting people to see me as more than a simple youth worker terrifies me. Even that I can’t do well. I help a young person and my response is “you did all the hard work I was just there.” (the funniest thing is that I appear to be doing a lot of self promoting in this post, I guess that’s a start.)

I’m petrified that I might want to do more and that no one else agrees with me. That I’ll appear arrogant for asking. Or worse they’ll just laugh at me for being an idiot for thinking that. But I know what I want to do with my life. I know the things I want to say, the injustices I want to challenge, the truth that I want to speak into people’s lives.

What if no one listens?

What if I get it wrong?

What if I hurt people in the process?

What if I let them down?

What if I actually don’t have anything to say?

What if no one else thinks I can do it?

Basically I’m a big ole scaredy pants. Which is a problem, cause I want to change the world, cause I want my life to matter. I want to live the life that God has asked of me. So I guess I’m just going to have to get out of my own way.

I leave you with this. It is a chunk of the bible that a friend gave to me 10years ago. Saying that it would be the call on my life. I really want it to be how I live my life.

It’s from Isaiah 58 and it’s talking about integrity, challenging those about what fasting actually means.

6“Is not this the fast that I choose:
    to loose the bonds of wickedness,
    to undo the straps of the yoke,
to let the oppressed[b] go free,
    and to break every yoke?
Is it not to share your bread with the hungry
    and bring the homeless poor into your house;
when you see the naked, to cover him,
    and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?
Then shall your light break forth like the dawn,
    and your healing shall spring up speedily;
your righteousness shall go before you;
    the glory of the Lord shall be your rearguard.
Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer;
    you shall cry, and he will say, ‘Here I am.’

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