desire

I’m watching the west wing again.

It’s pretty much all i’ve done today, well that, church and buying some new fish. Nathan and Solomon, Solomon only has one eye. They seem to be happy with Jonathan and David (my other 2 fish.)

Anyway I’ve had a weekend of doing nothing but watching the prior mentioned TV show. And it’s amazing because I am an introvert and so I really rather enjoy my own company.

Being an introvert is amazing but it isn’t what I wanted to talk about.

I was at a thing on wednesday at met up with the Mr for Lunch, I ate without thinking and had a calorie loaded caffeinated beverage, in fact 2 as I had one at the end of the day. Normally I would hate myself for this, I would be beating myself up, counting the calories and how much work I would have to do at the gym to burn it off.

But not on wednesday, for the first time in a long time I got back from work and didn’t feel fat. I didn’t hate myself or my body. I didn’t feel the need to go to the gym.

That feeling has gone, thursday and friday, yesterday and today the feeling of repulsion over the need to eat is back. In someways I hate food, I hate that my body needs it and even craves it. I hate that my body type takes after my dad which means I will always be a little bit curvy.

But the other part of me, the rational part that keeps fighting to be well and healthy, that part of me feels the opposite, that part loves food, loves that my body has curves and doesn’t care about size. That part won on wednesday and for a few hours I wasn’t worried about how much I weighed.

Eating disorders are horrible things, I know that when people look at me they don’t physically see someone with an eating disorder, but I have one. I fight with it everyday, watching what I eat, weighing myself everyday, burning as many calories at the gym as possible. I’m lucky, I have control over mine, I know that my relationship with food is unhealthy and I know, most of the time, that my obsession with being thin is unhealthy. I know that this stems from feeling like I have no control and from a deep rooted self-loathing.

But that’s the thing, I know. I know I have, just a few, mental health issues. And everyday I choose to keep breathing, to keep eating, to keep working, to keep communicating, to keep being. I know that being healthy is possible so I’m going to keep trying and celebrating the moments when I see hope.

The last few days have been tough and I have found myself feeling resentful of my illness, asking the age old question “why God,” but I try to remember Wednesday, when I didn’t feel fat, and I didn’t feel crazy, I wasn’t Hypomanic, I wasn’t low, I was just Helen, and those moments are what I try to remember when I feel like I’m falling apart.

So yay I’m an introvert, but mostly yay that I have good days, and because I’m mostly in a positive mood today (probably because I’ve had a weekend of no people,) which means I remember the good days. I may have felt sad today because I’m not at my desired weight and because I didn’t go to the gym, I remember wednesday and remember that in that moment I didn’t think I needed to worry about those things.

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