Who were all the people reading my blog on October 1st? I definitely didn’t post anything.
So I’m back, for how long no one knows. It’s been a really rough couple of weeks, which as per usual I have completely blamed myself for it all, and a good 50% wasn’t my fault so I should probably stop that. This taking it out on myself has resulted in the best friend telling me on a number of occasions to be nice to myself. So here I am doing what I do best, writing about it.
The thing is, I don’t know what to say, currently I feel like the worst person in the world, which clearly I’m not because I don’t own a pair of crocs and I help old people cross the road. Which brings me to todays kindness towards myself. I am not the worst person ever, I’m not even a bad person, I’m a kinda ok person.
I’ve suffered a lot at the hands of others, as well as things that I have put on myself. I’ve been called names, cursed at, denied support when needed it, been assaulted and abused, had people walk away from me when I needed them the most, people have made up lies and cut me out of their life and more. I know that I have done some of these things to, and I’m not proud of the mistakes I have made and the people I have hurt.
But knowing I have done these things does not make me a bad person. Beating myself up about it and trying to punish myself doesn’t make me a good person. The fact that I have remorse for what I have done, that I try to make it better, to atone for my mistakes, they are the start of knowing I’m not a terrible person.
I believe in justice and equality, in love, grace, mercy, in loving my neighbour and serving others. I try my best to live by these values.
The fact that I try makes me an acceptable human being.