Have you ever had that moment where you can feel the panic rising in your chest, your heartbeat is racing, your breathing is getting faster, your hands are shaking, you’re getting light headed and all you can do is think about what could go wrong? That moment where it’s all black clouds in your brain. That moment where THE END OF THE WORLD WILL HAPPEN simply because you can’t decide what you want to have for dinner.
The dinner might seem a bit extreme, but when I was really ill that is genuinely something I, and more importantly the boyfriend, had to deal with.
I read some research the other day that said 45% of people with bi-polar also suffer with serious anxiety.
Doesn’t surprise me. I for one suffer from it pretty badly.
I don’t know what it’s like to not worry about things, to not be overwhelmed when I have to make a decision. I don’t know what it’s like to not get mildly freaked out in large crowds, in new places or around new people. I don’t know what it’s like to sleep well in a new place. I don’t know what it’s like to make a big decision without thinking about the many many things that could go horribly wrong.
I’m getting better at hiding it and coping with it though, I always struggle with this but mostly now I don’t let it beat me.
I often tell people that I’m worried about something, or I’ve been thinking and planning and more often then not I get told
“Don’t worry about it”
“It’ll be ok”.
“God’s got a plan”
“It’ll work itself out”
I appreciate the sentiment, heck I get it, on a logical level I even agree.
BUT YOU PEOPLE FORGET THAT I’M A LITTLE UNHINGED!!
Anxiety is a serious condition, and an often overlooked one. Imagine living your life almost always being afraid, constantly on edge, feeling like you could cry/explode at any minute.
This is how I live. Most days it’s ok, it’s almost manageable. But some days, well some days I can’t get on a bus because it’s running late and I would rather not turn up then be late. Some days the thought of making a decision gives me a panic attack. Some days I’m convinced people in the office are talking about me and what a terrible job they think I’m doing simply because I heard someone mention my name. Some days the thought of seeing people makes me want to cry, Some days being in a crowded space makes my head hurt, my chest get tight and I recoil any time some one comes near me.
My anxiety is fairly bad at the moment. I stay up most of the night worrying about things I really don’t need to worry about. I’m struggling to concentrate because my mind goes off on this downward spiral of what could go wrong. I find myself crying over little things and I’m always checking to see what’s going on around me.
I’m not depressed, I’m a little low cause I feel like this, but it’s different from the depression. And annoyingly there is very little we can do about it. My meds don’t mix well with others and I need to get a psych appointment before they change any brain meds. It takes about 3 months to get that appointment and they often cancel on me. (I’m still waiting for the 6 month check up I was supposed to have in January) I could probably do with some counselling too, except the NHS wont touch me. I’m not high enough risk for the Adult Mental Health services to get me an appointment, BUT I’m too high risk for the counselling service you can get through your GP. This means going private, something I can’t really afford at the moment.
Being crazy is complicated.
I am happy, mostly. I’m just constantly worried at the same time, and telling me not to worry is like telling me not to breath. I don’t know how. Just wanted to tell you about it, in case you wonder why I freeze up when you ask me a question or invite me out somewhere.
Slowly I AM getting better, I can make a decision on what to eat after all.
Plus I now have an amazng anti-anxiety pack including a fabulous drawing from my amazing Goddaughter!